I just wanted to explain to the aether of the digital realms why I’ve wanted to become a writer, but first of I should perhaps start with what I thought I wanted to be…
My Previous Dream Jobs
When I was younger like many people I was asked “what do you want to be when your older?” So naturally I would give it just a minute at most, to think of some profession that I would like to do completely on a some what impulsive manner. Many children would naturally call out some outlandish job, accompanied by the vaguest of non-descriptive reasoning’s. You know the bog standard replies children of that age sprout like they believe they are 100% sure what their destiny entails, what they want to become because they saw someone on TV, despite having never met the person or researched what would it take to earn a like for like position. That or because they come from a long line of family members in [Insert profession here], like it was a vocation that has to be passed on generation after generation.
I’m sure that I would have come up with something along those lines, however due to the length of time that has since passed and the fact I don’t have an eidetic memory, I am unable to tell you just what I would have claimed to have been my“dream job”at the time.
Now going back as a teenager I can; As an adolescence and indeed until this day I have had a very strong fondness towards video games, practically to the point that it has and for the most part still is an addiction; as quoted to me by a psychiatrist…but that’s from different story. So naturally having such a profound desire to work for a company would allow me that privilege, I would attempt to learn coding. I have tried on more that one occasion to attempt this, resulting in the several ill informed purchases of tutorials and “how to” guides on this very topic. All would ultimately prove to be futile attempts and money wasting endeavours. Understanding that despite my strong feelings towards wanted to work in the game design industry I have a somewhat limited ability to understand the complexity of coding and so I had to pursue other avenues.
It was around the age of 15-16 that at the time that the crime drama CSI had been aired. I loved watching the show and still try to watch it if there is a lack of other interesting shows not being broadcast. This along side of being persuaded to return to sixth form education gave the perfect opportunity to start on the path towards becoming a criminal investigator. If you put aside the fact that CSI forensic investigators in the TV series are a lot more glamorized for the show, and knowing that the comparison is far more gruesome to say the least. This would still be enough to attempted to learn the required A levels for this career path, proceeding the university degree(s) I would most likely need to do so there after. It became apparent after some months of doing both; chemistry and biology at A level grade that it wasn’t working out as first planned. It got to the point that I was in fact started to skip lessons and bunked off in the common room as the stress of it all wasn’t persuading me to keep returning. Excluding the fact that at the time of all this school work I was trying to discover who I really was…I’ll get into some other time.
So after awhile, I ended up ditching chemistry and biology as lessons. Only to continue my Art and IT, I thought would try my hand at becoming a comic book artist/writer…In hindsight the writing aspect would have been the better option but there you go. After purchasing a horde of cheap comics at a local store which specialized in this paraphernalia, I used them for inspiration and embarked again on the alternating fork in the path as a backup plan. A few months of this I decided that really, sixth form wasn’t for me and I ended up dropping out. So given up was I, that I no longer cared about doing anything in general, I had effectively lost my way completely.
Working, The injury and self-employed
The months of apathy that followed would end when I was required to obtain employment to pay for house keeping. Searching for a job wasn’t an necessity at this point due to the fact my mother was currently employed and had put in a good word for me at her place of work. Coupled with the fact that due to past work experience in this same company as a office assistant I was practically given the position, with the interview I needed to attend a mere legal formality of which had no bearing to my earning of the position. A year and a half later working the day to day dealings of a book bindert assistant and an opportunity for a promotion to a machine operator had arisen. Having applied and success earned such promotion I was now working for a time enthusiastically, as a operator of an embossing press machine. This turned out to be nothing more than a stress filled deviation in my career. A combination of the near total lack of formal training and a faulty safety guard on the machine, all resulted in a severe injury to my right hand.
Having recovered physically after a lengthy amount of time and a severe amount of pain I might add, I returned to work for nearly a year until the somewhat unexpected happened. I woke up one morning, readied myself for work and subsequently as I left my home – I broke down. I could not physically make myself go back to work, the thought of which made me mentally and physically nauseous. Requiring yet more medical attention as it became apparent that I was suffering from the after effects of my incident. Many months of attempting to recover from a bout of PTSD, I had made the decision to end my employment with my employer, unable to face the environment and equipment that had almost ruined my life. Years afterwards and all that remained was self loathing and depression, plaguing me constantly as I wanted to do nothing. Wasting away in front of a TV monitor just to edge me ever closer to death, believing that this was going to be my life from now on.
Years of this would result in my Dad coming up with a somewhat unique idea of starting a business; to work self employed refurbishing various power tool batteries and selling various products online; was the corner stone of our business model. Two and a half years of moderate success would unfortunately prove to be not enough to keep the business’s currently rented premises, nor continue it’s collective ability of sustaining the level of supplies for production or reconditioning of our main trading commodities. Afterwards the business would be required to downsize due to the lack of work we weren’t t already un-obtaining, and no longer had the necessary facilities to do so.
I was once again unemployed needing to seek employment elsewhere to keep up with the monthly house keeping payments. Which wasn’t actually required as I still had my insurance claim for my hand injury to sustain me, unfortunately not indefinitely. This was for the most part was the main reason why I never actively sort out new employment with any enthusiasm knowing full well I wasn’t going to be made homeless and destitute for the lack of funds.
What I want to be
After many months of searching for new employment I found myself waking up one morning, with a deep yearning to do something more than just wasting away. The very last remnants of any anti-depressant medication that had once flown through my veins had now completely dissipated, the zombiefied state it kept me under was gone and I could now think freely and act accordingly. Any enthusiasm that would have previously sprung up was no longer being quelled, largely as I mentally shielded myself from putting who I was out there as it were. That is of course if you excluding the many years of apathetic drifting through the days, one by one. As quite frankly I wasn’t in the correct state of mind to contemplate this fully, as anyone shouldn’t attempt to decide on their fate when all it leads to is a untimely dark end.
Having contemplated writing before as previously mentioned, but for comics, the level / amount of writing I wish to do now or will be required, was no where near what I had contemplated before. Certainly not to the degree that I would actually be able to actively turn the idea into a reality, or forge the means to do so – hence this website. Stand-up, sitcoms, sketch shows and panel shows would be become the constant through out the darkest of my years and will hopefully become the main theme and backbone of the type of writing I wished to pursue.
Unlike previous attempts to do anything remotely constructive, the red and green squiggles underneath every mistake don’t deter me. Every mistake made and subsequently corrected merely allowed me to enjoy the process even further, as I know that every correction is something I am learning to better a better standard. Every faulty paragraph, sentence or word made right and having the ability to broaden my vocabulary range while correcting the limited one I currently possess comes an enjoyable step towards a brighter career and future. Word processors and their godlike power of auto-correct guiding me has become my new religion and deity. Liberating me to be able to write and express myself while at the same time allowing it all to be legible for others, regardless of whether or not they actually read it.
Looking back on fact that I started writing a diary at the start of my transition has helped me keep track of my thoughts and feelings. Allowing me on occasion to look back to just how far I have come or grown as a person. All may very well have been a major catalyst to which my desire to write has stemmed from. While I’m not sure if this is true and may never do so, I have to believe that it has had some bearing on my current willingness express myself at a level I have found comfort with. My diary being a personal outlet for any and all of my emotions; this website and all subsequent posts, in turn have become an extended version of it albeit slightly more refined and elaborated (but not exaggerated). On top of allowing me the luxury of venting ideas/beliefs and any creativity that would have normally gone unexpressed.
I am writing these blogs/posts as a means to not only test and train my aptitude for my chosen vocation but as a testament of everything I had worked for. At the very least give a better insight for my family and friends to understand who I am and what I am going through better. As I have often found it far more difficult to actually vocalize my feelings directly. With my website now the forum in which I now vent out anything I wish and to rid myself of any thoughts that have plaguing my mind, no longer eating away inside my skull until I was nothing but a blithering drooling mess.
I hope for the most part you will find these enjoyable, or informative. I be no means wish to upset anyone through writing, however I do accept that this may end up being the case. Trying to please everyone all the time is a futile attempt and I hope that everyone knows that any content on this website it will not be posted with any maliciousness pre-thought from myself.
Thanks for reading.