That ‘Boy Meets Girl’ Show

On the 3rd of September 2015, the BBC marked a turning point in British television with it’s new romantic comedy ‘Boy Meets Girl’, which finally aired after it’s successful pilot earlier in the year. While many may be aware that there have been other shows with transgender characters, none of them have really been centralised around, to the point of being the main protagonist in their own story. Additionally, if there were transgender characters they usually never seen more than a one-off episode. (With notable exceptions like: Orange is the New Black with Laverne Cox and Transparent with Jeffrey Tambor, for example) One that leaves the main character, in a awkward social situation to deal with and one they are left to decide how to confront. Transgender characters were left to become the butt of the joke; and a rather often misguided and out of ignorance, joke at that. One that many may deem comical for a few chuckles but without having any real sense of humour and certainly without realising what the fall out would be, especially with regards to transpeople who may watch it.

When I first heard of the Boy Meets Girl show, I had no real interest in watching it, romcoms just are not my thing; preferring stand-up and sketch shows instead. Indeed had it not been from a request by someone else for a radio show (which I’ll mention later) I really don’t think that I would have watched the show at all. I don’t have much desire to watch anything trans related but not because they don’t have anything to offer but I just don’t get anything from them and are therefore not particularly capable of holding an interest for me even as a transwoman; I know that might seem a tad ironic, even though some may be informational or factual. Its just that I know enough to be sure and more importantly happy with who I am. If they are documentaries about celebrities who have transitioned even less so; there’s something of a freak show peculiarity to them, like they are attempting to film and document a rare species of life which have finally been discovered, or rediscovered if you will. Trying to understand from a naive objectivity and not always putting the proper context of the person’s circumstances and life into perspective.

So naturally watching Boy Meets Girl, I couldn’t help do so with a trace of scepticism. Thankfully I did, as I can honestly say that it left me quite positively buzzing and heart warmed. Even if the show had it’s awkward moments and a somewhat contrived ending line: “I think she is the One!” But then its not that hard to expect from a romantic comedy and one that is actually making many attempts at promoting a positive blossoming relationship. However, while there is humour in Boy Meets Girl, at least from what I have seen in this first episode, it wasn’t laugh out loud funny for me. The funny moments that were there had been built up from elements of truth, of which I’m sure many, transgender or otherwise, could identify with. It also meant that for the first time, in a show including a transgender character I could feel myself wearing a wide smile and not rolling my eyes back into their sockets, literally in some instances, as is usually the case with any show that features transgender or transsexual characters.

While positive and humorous as it was, it unfortunately, does not fully portray the variety of lives that transpeople experience, whether they be good or bad. Indeed there were moments were Judy’s mother and sister go on about her ‘crazy psychiatrist’ and a sleuth of ex-boyfriends that have mistreated her in the past, in reality many transpeople are cast out, beaten and sometimes killed, simply because they are attempting to embrace who they are. My hope is that the story line does progress and help portray this, with as much accuracy as possible without subtracting from the story and humour and it doesn’t simply gloss over the many problems that many more transpeople suffer on a day to day basis. Then again this is meant to be a light hearted romcom, so perhaps expecting more from the a short six episode series could be left as an exception, one in place of just having a for once a simple story line about a transperson who isn’t the punchline to a bad quip about not having been born with the right equipment; even though this was in fact used quite bluntly in the first few minutes, it was used to get it out the way rather than using it as a cheap plot twist. Furthermore, while I was smiling and cringing slightly, I also could feel that minor pang of that inescapable uncomfortable sensation, when Judy was describing what it feels like to be “in a prison without a release date”. Something I’m sure many transpeople would identify as feeling and of whom suffer with the occasional bout of Gender Dysphoria. In this example of emotional revelation from the character, it further highlights how beneficial it can be to having a transgender actor(ess) perform as the character, due to the level of empathy they themselves do possess and bring to the role.

While I hope not to judge an entire show based on the merits of one episode even though it has already been marked as an important step in terms of television. I do wonder if this show will last and not be simple written off as a fad. Unfortunate as it is, transpeople alone won’t be able to carry the show into more series, assuming that they like it too and will undoubtedly require as many non-transpeople enjoying the show as well due to them making up the majority of the vast viewing public. This is why it will be all the more important that the image and the social acceptance of transpeople is developed as much as possible. I hope that this will also provide some momentum for general acceptance for not just transpeople but everyone, to show that transpeople are still fundamentally very human. That we are just trying to live our lives as normally as possible, just as anybody else would.

So the next day after it had aired, I had the rare opportunity to talk about the show on BBC Wiltshire, with my friend and TransSwindon’s front man Jeremy. It was for me personally one of the most nervous thing’s I have had to do, excluding of course the whole ‘coming out’ business in my own story. But despite that, it did feel great to be able to share my views on something that will, underneath it all, affect my life. The public perception of transpeople will need to continuously improve should we all collectively, both transgender and non-transgender, want a better society. The opportunity to talk on the radio as a member of TransSwindon shows that the opportunity for transpeople to give their opinions are being far more respected than they once were and that the combined efforts of TransSwindon admin team, including it’s growing members, is clearly working to give transpeople that much needed voice. Hopefully it is evident that we are now, as a community, slowly but surely being given the chance to make the most of our lives from opportunities that we have been seeking for so many years.


Laura Steel 2015 ©

The Impact of the Internet on my Life as a Transgender Person: Blogging and Creative Writing

Ever since the start of my transition there has always been one resource that I have always found myself relying upon time and time again, more than anything else that has been available, the Internet. Not a day goes by that I rarely have access to the web or even forego using it, unless I am otherwise engaged—although mobile devices can still keep the bridge the gap on the go, if you have the finance. As an established global entity, the Internet has been by far the best tool I use to assist myself in the various activities of my life, of which includes: shopping, gaming and the ability to socialise between family and friends. This wondrous digitised realm has become like a second home to me, with the almost infinite amount of websites available to browse from turning into an entirely whole new world to explore. To be cut off from this world, for even a brief moment, brings about a strong sense of withdrawal—one which that can be rather uncomfortable to bare at times.

Before I finally sought medical intervention for my gender dysphoria I had spent many hours searching for the causes of the severe anxiety I found myself with. I had an inclination for many years, since my early pre-adolescent years in fact. But this feeling wasn’t something I tried to confront fully because of the fear of being rejected by my family, should I reveal who I really was. I desperately searched for some form of officiated information that would allow me to understand the reason why I felt the way I did and what I could do to alleviate myself from it. My hope was that somewhere online there was the knowledge I so desperately sought after. So I used the Internet to search through online encyclopaedias and other websites, with their hordes of medical knowledge on gender dysphoria, transgender people and the process of transitioning—which I hoped were all accurate and reliable enough to inform my enough to better my understanding— and I would take to browsing every last link I could find on these subjects. While none of the contents on these websites have truly answered all my questions, with regards to discovering who I am as a person, they undeniably had given me a good base point in which to start my journey of self discovery. My absolute certainty of who I am was only achieved through prolonged and deep introspection. All of the information these websites have provided me with, however intentional, has been to an such an immense degree that I feel I will never be able to repay the help provided by their existence. They have not only given me such a better sense of who I am today but have allowed me to define myself much further as a person, regardless of my ‘trans’ identity.

One of the sub-sections that just happen to inhabit this digitised realm is the websites dedicated to blogging. When I first heard about these blogging sites, young and naive as I was to the use of the Internet, I did not care for their existence and I was rather unimpressed with the few I had inadvertently stumbled upon. I only really saw them as way for people to just be egotistical, boarder line narcissistic over, and who were only trying to fill a psychological need that wasn’t being met in their real lives; away from the computer screen. My perspective was that these individuals were only using their blogging sites as somewhere to just dump boring unintelligible information about themselves, in a vague attempt to justify their own existence. This was all in a narrow minded view that was previously only held before I had “come out” or even come to terms with who I was, and a view that I thankfully no longer hold.

However, having access to the blogs of transgenders, who have shared their own experiences, back in what was a time of immense depression and self-destructive hate for me, would truly become invaluable. I continually searched for any account of transgender individual’s experiences online because at the time I couldn’t even bring myself to talk about it to those I loved. Being that depressed had the unfortunate side effect of causing me to become so distant from my family that it took several years to tell them the truth. The increased desperation of trying to understand why I felt the way I did would further drive me to search for anything else there was to know about what being transgender means, into the processes of transitioning and even into the some of the surgeries; which involved the viewing of graphic photos and videos of them being performed. I especially looked for the written experiences by other transgenders believing that their first hand knowledge would be much more useful for me because it’s not as if any of it is taught in schools or freely handed out on pamphlets as you walk down the high street. While I have fully accepted and embraced who I am now, as have my family and friends thankfully, possessing the knowledge that I wasn’t alone in what I was going through was something I had taken an immense comfort from and I still do. I know the conclusion I have come to, of who I am as a person and who I am today, was aided by other transgender individuals and the experiences they had bravely shared on their blogs.

Overtime I started to understand that there was a clear difference between the different types of blogs and the contents they housed. As I grew older—and hopefully a little wiser—I slowly started to appreciate the impact they can have on their readers, which I know at the very least is true with regards to myself. I eventually learned that many of these people weren’t blogging because they were being self-obsessed or sought the attention of others for the sake of it but rather were people who, just like myself, wanted be seen, accepted and loved. To have a means to express themselves truly without any restriction and in a manner that is sure to be on some level therapeutic for them, which is something I have since found for myself after I creating my own. My hope was that when I had created my own blog it would afford me the same opportunity to express myself not just as a person but as a transgender too, which is something I can safely say for certain that it has. I feel like I no longer have to accept being cast into the shadows and left wallowing in self-pity, doomed to live a life of fear and repression, simply because of who I am but can start to express and embrace my life as an individual, let alone because I am transgender. As an added result I have found that I can not only express myself freely in this online realm but subsequently in the offline world too, which is something I am continually enjoying doing so. This was all because I had the luxury and privileged access to the Internet; access to which I no longer take for granted, as I once did.

It is for this reason I believe I have come to learn, love and embrace the creative aspect towards writing. One of my pass times since transitioning has come in the form of reading the creative works written by other people, in particular those written by fellow transgenders. Analysing their apparent structure and form of prose, such as: poems, flash fiction or short stories, and on their even deeper meaning. The best way I have been able to approach this has yet again been through having access to the blogs of other individual writers, via the Internet. Blogs and other forums such as social media sites on the web can give the opportunity for transgender writers to not only share links to their creative writings to be read and enjoyed. Geared up correctly and in the right way they can allow for comments and criticisms, that allow others, regardless of how they choose to define themselves, a means to improve their skills of writing, with help of their fellow transgender piers and from other members of community groups. This is also because just about any one, assuming they have Internet access, can find the required information on them, with the simple aid of a search engine or because of a social media site or two. The very fact that this essay has been written is evidence of this; as I would not have been aware of the opportunity to do so if I did not have access to the Internet or the dear friend who kindly shared the link for it across one of these sites to begin with.

An additional beneficial aspect of being able to post online is due to the fact that what ever has been written is left up to the pure discretion of the individuals who have written them. There are rarely any other intermediary people who could perhaps edit, abuse or otherwise get in the way of anything creatively written by anyone, least of all those written by transgenders. Transgenders who wish to take up the art of writing are freely able to express themselves, with the only limit being their own imagination and the confidence to post them. This can be accomplished even if they consciously choose or have to rely upon the use of a pseudonym or using an anonymous name coupled with an avatar of any suitable digital image. Even I have found it relatively easy to set up a website, despite not being an expert; from information that was once again obtained within the vastness of the Internet. The ease and quickness for additional entries into a website’s expandable content can all be done for a rather minor cost per month or even for free if your limited in budget and don’t mind the annoyance of the odd advertisement. Being able to have such an affordable forum, that little digitised haven to call my own, in which I can upload my own work or to do with as I please, is truly liberating. It imparts a strong sense of freedom and is something that would have to have it be prized from my cold dead fingers before I would ever choose to give it up willingly.

After all, to me creative writing is more than just a fancy collection of words, bound together to just paint a picture with vocabulary or project the imagery of fantastic characters, setting and theme; all presented in one of the various forms of prose, such as a short but potent poem or a rather long drawn out story. It has the ability to affect the senses of the readers and gives the ability to develop ideas from within the subtlety of the text regardless how it appears in a book, on a computer monitor or on the TV screen; just as long as it leaves that lasting impression on the mind of the reader. Whether it is about a transperson’s dramatic journey of self-discovery or an epic fantasy about a foxy heroine, who just happens to be transgender, brandishing her swords as she bravely fights off a ravenous monster. Creative writing may hopefully even go further towards inspiring people to reflect upon aspects of their lives and help further shape who they are and will become. I can only hope it will increase the amount of transgender literature, written by and for transpeople, as this can only work to increase our exposure in a broader and ideally better understanding. The Internet is an exceptional platform for self-expression and is capable of capturing a wide array of audiences, regardless of how they choose to define themselves.

Ultimately, the Internet’s existence continues to dominate my life, as well as the lives of others; either at home or on the move. Despite any of the negativity that it has been associated with the Internet, I know it has changed my life for the better, as I hope it has the same effect on others. Whether it’s socialising between family and friends, learning and researching new ideas, as one ploughs though website after website of information, or expressing one’s self via a blog or forum, with each and every upload. I know with out exaggerating that I would be fully amiss without the Internet, which is something I believe a lot of other people may be too even if they may not be fully aware of it themselves. Not just as a person trying to live my day to day life but especially because I am a transgender person with the freedom to express it; something which is achieved in the way I choose. So great is the power and liberation that the Internet can have.


Laura Steel © 2016

Are you a Humanist?

humanistwhiteblacklogo2

Are you a Humanist? Because according to the British Humanist Association I am. In accordance to their online quiz[3] my result was an astounding 96%, so I can only assume this must be true. While I feel that the test somehow actually trivializes the definition of what it truly means to be a Humanist, I would like to think it is a good indictator. However, how can any belief in a philosophy be summed up in a short 10 question quiz? It must surely be a good indication if it comes from an official source though. My understanding is that the B.H.A is such a source. It’s Registered Charity No: 285987.

Humanists. (etx)
“Think for themselves about what is right and wrong, based on reason and respect for others.

Find meaning, beauty and joy in the one life we have, without the need for an afterlife.
Look to science instead of religion as the best way to discover and understand the world.
Believe people can use empathy and compassion to make the world a better place for everyone.”
British Humanist Association (2014)[2]

I have considered myself a Humanist years prior to taking this test, having previously researched some of the various philosophies and their values, if only to quell a bored mind at the time that and during my initial start to my transition as a Trans-women I looked out for answers to help explain who I truly was. It wasn’t something I actively sought out to prove to others either, as quite frankly I know I’m a good person I don’t feel the need to justify it or my existence to others (if you exclude this post of course). I took the test knowing full well what the core Humanist values were already. I just happened upon this quiz idly looking for something to write about while the same time wanting to further reinforce why I had always felt this way about my life.

Furthermore, I have never required the label to be put upon myself formally, its not like its mandatory to do so, it’s not a requirement on an application form that would have prevented me from doing something I wanted. Also I’ve never really needed it to be happy and I would have just continued to live my life with the same values a Humanist would have done so without it. However thanks to the definition provided initially by Wikipedia (Yes I know, hence no reference) and more importantly from other sources, including the B.H.A. I can firmly (and proudly) tag myself with such a label. Saying I am a Humanist doesn’t nor will it ever change the way I live my life but in doing so is a nice reminder of how much I believe to have grown myself as a person, to prove to others that I have learned to accept and respect others despite their differences. To emphasize my ability to feel compassion towards others regardless of any immediate emotional connection.

Humanism and its aspirations. (etx)
“Humanism is a progressive philosophy of life that, without supernaturalism, affirms our ability and responsibility to lead ethical lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity.”

American Humanist Association (2003)[1]

I am however not trying to imply that anyone who reads this can’t be a good person because they have never called themselves or will ever call themselves a Humanist, it is to me just an attributed title that fits to my own understanding of myself and my environment.

Although I will admit there is a level of comfort ascribed to tagging oneself “as” something – as for me Humanist does. It becomes a small, albeit sweet moment in your life’s journey when you finally figure out a piece of yourself and can say “yes that’s exactly who I am!” – or at least a part there of. It’s like the universe has reveal a secret for the very first time and the discovery of an untold wondrous secret fills you with an euphoric wave that blankets your soul. I’m left wondering if this the same feeling others have when they “find” a God or a faith/religion that speaks to them in the same way. I have no idea, nor do I suspect I ever will.

Additionally, since I have always considered myself previously; a born and raised atheist, and in later years an agnostic. I don’t have any real comparison of this feeling. Having held no belief in a deity of any kind – due in part to the lack of evidence to support either side of the argument (hence the change from atheist to agnosticism), I cannot attribute the sensation of having a faith, to that of being a Humanist. While having a faith or belief in a deity is sensation or mentality I some thing believe I never will acquire, I don’t feel I am missing out. I’ve never needed a god to be happy or be a “good person”. Why would I start now?

While I have looked at other philosophies, Humanism seems to have a major claim as to who I am, but it is by no means the end. I have looked at a similar branching philosophies such as; Personism[4][6], Religious Humanism[7], and Secular Humanism[5], – branching beliefs of Humanism that transcends species or the traditional views on life. I do believe in some of the principles such as artificial life and aliens enjoying the same rights we would want for ourselves (assuming they themselves have the same mentality and eagerness to respect life regardless of it’s origins) and ensuring that any state government and most if not all aspects of everyday life are free from any religious influence. Not that I would either condemn anyone or their right to believe in a faith or follow a peace based religion. I just don’t like the thought that religion influences my life, as much as it currently has done so already, or will do.

About Religious Humanism. (etx)
“We embrace the best aspects of religious congregations while rejecting all supernatural agencies and the traditional, hierarchical, dogmatic and creedal religions.”

UU Humanist Association (2014)[7]

The question is can we pick and chose how we apply something like Humanism? The pain full answer is yes – and with it makes the Humanist ideal a double edged sword, the immediate example of Personism is, what is the cut off point we apply this too? Who gets to decide what does and doesn’t deserve the same level of equality as us mere humans? I would love to see our planet one day filled with aliens and artificial intelligence of like minded individuals. People given the same rights as everyone else despite their origins or attributes, much like a world featured in the popular cartoon series – Futurama. Or a more utopian version such as the one in the more scientifically based fictional series – Star-trek.

Personism. (etx)
“Personism states that being human does not give one exclusive claim to moral rights.”

“Personism is an ethical philosophy of personhood as typified by the thought of the preference utilitarian philosopher Peter Singer”
A Wikipedia entry.
[5]

(I am aware that Wikipedia isn’t the best site to quote from but this post isn’t being assessed formally – hence again no reference.)

Taking Humanism Beyond Speciesism. (etx)
“Why should we ground values in the welfare of human beings rather than in the welfare of all beings capable of having a welfare at all?”

Peter Singer (2004)[6]

The reason is not because I think a world filled with aliens and A.I based androids would be cool (even though I think it would), or for any other frivolous reason, but because it would show that we as humans have transcended the segregation that exists pretty much everywhere. For example; I find the thought of a AI/artificial based slave abhorrent, just I do with a human slave. The notion that humans are the only species of intelligent-sapient life in the universe to me is also ridiculous and dangerously arrogant.

That Human based racism/speciesism/ageism/sexism/add-something-else-with-ism or discrimination against others because of [Insert backwards reason here.], like that towards those of the LBGTQAI community for example and of which I am a twice member of: Are concepts that should only found in old text books highlighting how awful we have been towards each other.

I will concede that there isn’t any concrete evidence as yet to support the idea of alien life thus far, but considering we already exist among the billions of stars and planets in our one galaxy. Odds are we aren’t alone and aliens just have the better sense to leave “us” alone until we grow beyond our current mentality.

Secular Humanism Defined. (etx)
“As a secular lifestance, secular humanism incorporates the Enlightenment principle of individualism, which celebrates emancipating the individual from traditional controls by family, church, and state, increasingly empowering each of us to set the terms of his or her own life.”

Council for Secular Humanism (2014)[4]

Also, why is it that because of this quiz on the B.H.A website do I feel a little dis-concerned? 4% may not seem like much to a lot of people, but it holds a level of doubt over me that I can’t help shake. What was the question I answered that has robbed me from being 100% Humanist? Is there a small part of me that questions the philosophy? It is not like I can just go back and work out from the many permutations that question has blocked me from doing so…well I could but it would take too long and would ultimately prove pointless. It would also cheapen the initial result and yes 96% was my initial result. I would have to go through each question assuming I know each correct answer, and selectively chose the “right answer” just to make up that remaining percentage. Anyway, its not as if there are strict guidelines to being a Humanist (hence the many branches there of) and being one or two questions out doesn’t mean I am anything less than the attributed name…I hope – I can always call myself a Humanist despite this percentile minority.

Below are the website’s quiz’s questions (In bold) and my answers. Ones I picked the first time round which resulted in the 96%. Which combination has left this 4% deficit I will have to let go unanswered. If I am to believe that the initial result is a true representation of my “level” of humanistic ideals, then it will have to do. Assuming of course you exclude the lack of rigorous scientific processes used to determine the quiz’s outcome. There is a lot of doubt in the many various aspects of my life…why should this be an exception?

Question – My answer.
(Q.1) Does God exist? There is no evidence that any god exists, so I’ll assume that there isn’t one.
(Q.2) When I die… I will live on in people’s memories or because of the work I have done or through my children.
(Q.3) How did the Universe begin? The scientific explanations are the best ones available. No gods were involved.
(Q.4) The theory that life on Earth evolved gradually over billions of years is… True. There is plenty of evidence from fossils, DNA and many other sources showing that this is how it happened.
(Q.5) When I look at a beautiful view I think that… We ought to do everything possible to protect this for future generations.
(Q.6) I can tell right from wrong by… Thinking hard about the probable consequences of actions and their effects on other people.
(Q.7) It’s best to be honest because… People respect you more if you’re trustworthy.
(Q.8) Other people matter and should be treated with respect because… They are people with feelings like mine.
(Q.9) Animals should be treated… With respect because they can suffer too.
(Q.10) The most important thing in life is… To increase the general happiness and welfare of humanity.

Consequently I guess some would say at the end of it I am just being picky…or that an innate level of O.C.D I hold, is screaming at me to go back; “Go back and do it right!” or “It’s not 100%!, It’s not 100%!!, It’s not 100%!!!”.

Besides, It really won’t change anything I do currently and I will live the rest of my life the same as I would have otherwise. It won’t blossom into a grand campaign to persuade others into coming to the same conclusion, even though a part of me wish I would. Nor is it something I can use to force people to into believing in the same principles, because in doing so would automatically snatch that Humanist label away from me, leaving an unhealable scar of intolerance. Even though I really wish everyone respected others despite any differences, imposing the ideology by force really isn’t the way to go. Maybe this is the 4% I fail to comprehend. Perhaps a representative part of me that would, if I was able to – force it upon others.

Either way, respect for others is one of the root principles, even if global acceptance and treatment of others is not going to be witness-able with in my life time, which to me is more than a little depressing. I just hope that every person, regardless of their denomination, may one day find peace among themselves and among others. At the end of it, we live our lives by other’s ideals or by our own, I’ve already made my choice.


Laura Steel © 2014


Bibliography:

[1] American Humanist Asssociation. (2014). Humanist Manifesto III. [Online]. Available at:http://americanhumanist.org/Humanism/Humanist_Manifesto_III
[Last accessed 26th Sept 2014].
[2] British Humanist Association. (2014). Are you a humanist?. [Online]. Available at:https://humanism.org.uk/humanism/are-you-a-humanist/.
[Last accessed 26th Sept 2014].
[3] British Humanist Association. (2014). Defining ‘Humanism’. [Online]. Available at:https://humanism.org.uk/humanism/
[Last accessed 26th Sept 2014].
[4] Council for Secular Humanism. (2014). Secular Humanism Defined. [Online]. Available at:https://www.secularhumanism.org/index.php/13
[Last accessed 26th Sept 2014].
[5] Encyclo.co.uk English Encyclopedia. (2014). Personism.[Online]. Available at:http://www.encyclo.co.uk/define/Personism
[Last accessed 26th Sept 2014].
[6] Peter Singer. (2004). Transcending Humanism Beyond Speciesism. [Online]. Available at: http://www.utilitarianism.net/singer/by/200410–.htm
[Last accessed 27th Spet 2014].
[7] UU Humanist Association. (2014). About Religious Humanism. [Online]. Available at:http://huumanists.org/about/religious-humanism
[Last accessed 27h Sept 2014].

The Path to a Career

I just wanted to explain to the aether of the digital realms why I’ve wanted to become a writer, but first of I should perhaps start with what I thought I wanted to be…

My Previous Dream Jobs

When I was younger like many people I was asked “what do you want to be when your older?” So naturally I would give it just a minute at most, to think of some profession that I would like to do completely on a some what impulsive manner. Many children would naturally call out some outlandish job, accompanied by the vaguest of non-descriptive reasoning’s. You know the bog standard replies children of that age sprout like they believe they are 100% sure what their destiny entails, what they want to become because they saw someone on TV, despite having never met the person or researched what would it take to earn a like for like position. That or because they come from a long line of family members in [Insert profession here], like it was a vocation that has to be passed on generation after generation.

I’m sure that I would have come up with something along those lines, however due to the length of time that has since passed and the fact I don’t have an eidetic memory, I am unable to tell you just what I would have claimed to have been my“dream job”at the time.

Now going back as a teenager I can; As an adolescence and indeed until this day I have had a very strong fondness towards video games, practically to the point that it has and for the most part still is an addiction; as quoted to me by a psychiatrist…but that’s from different story. So naturally having such a profound desire to work for a company would allow me that privilege, I would attempt to learn coding. I have tried on more that one occasion to attempt this, resulting in the several ill informed purchases of tutorials and “how to” guides on this very topic. All would ultimately prove to be futile attempts and money wasting endeavours. Understanding that despite my strong feelings towards wanted to work in the game design industry I have a somewhat limited ability to understand the complexity of coding and so I had to pursue other avenues.

It was around the age of 15-16 that at the time that the crime drama CSI had been aired. I loved watching the show and still try to watch it if there is a lack of other interesting shows not being broadcast. This along side of being persuaded to return to sixth form education gave the perfect opportunity to start on the path towards becoming a criminal investigator. If you put aside the fact that CSI forensic investigators in the TV series are a lot more glamorized for the show, and knowing that the comparison is far more gruesome to say the least. This would still be enough to attempted to learn the required A levels for this career path, proceeding the university degree(s) I would most likely need to do so there after. It became apparent after some months of doing both; chemistry and biology at A level grade that it wasn’t working out as first planned. It got to the point that I was in fact started to skip lessons and bunked off in the common room as the stress of it all wasn’t persuading me to keep returning. Excluding the fact that at the time of all this school work I was trying to discover who I really was…I’ll get into some other time.

So after awhile, I ended up ditching chemistry and biology as lessons. Only to continue my Art and IT, I thought would try my hand at becoming a comic book artist/writer…In hindsight the writing aspect would have been the better option but there you go. After purchasing a horde of cheap comics at a local store which specialized in this paraphernalia, I used them for inspiration and embarked again on the alternating fork in the path as a backup plan. A few months of this I decided that really, sixth form wasn’t for me and I ended up dropping out. So given up was I, that I no longer cared about doing anything in general, I had effectively lost my way completely.

Working, The injury and self-employed

The months of apathy that followed would end when I was required to obtain employment to pay for house keeping. Searching for a job wasn’t an necessity at this point due to the fact my mother was currently employed and had put in a good word for me at her place of work. Coupled with the fact that due to past work experience in this same company as a office assistant I was practically given the position, with the interview I needed to attend a mere legal formality of which had no bearing to my earning of the position. A year and a half later working the day to day dealings of a book bindert assistant and an opportunity for a promotion to a machine operator had arisen. Having applied and success earned such promotion I was now working for a time enthusiastically, as a operator of an embossing press machine. This turned out to be nothing more than a stress filled deviation in my career. A combination of the near total lack of formal training and a faulty safety guard on the machine, all resulted in a severe injury to my right hand.

Having recovered physically after a lengthy amount of time and a severe amount of pain I might add, I returned to work for nearly a year until the somewhat unexpected happened. I woke up one morning, readied myself for work and subsequently as I left my home – I broke down. I could not physically make myself go back to work, the thought of which made me mentally and physically nauseous. Requiring yet more medical attention as it became apparent that I was suffering from the after effects of my incident. Many months of attempting to recover from a bout of PTSD, I had made the decision to end my employment with my employer, unable to face the environment and equipment that had almost ruined my life. Years afterwards and all that remained was self loathing and depression, plaguing me constantly as I wanted to do nothing. Wasting away in front of a TV monitor just to edge me ever closer to death, believing that this was going to be my life from now on.

Years of this would result in my Dad coming up with a somewhat unique idea of starting a business; to work self employed refurbishing various power tool batteries and selling various products online; was the corner stone of our business model. Two and a half years of moderate success would unfortunately prove to be not enough to keep the business’s currently rented premises, nor continue it’s collective ability of sustaining the level of supplies for production or reconditioning of our main trading commodities. Afterwards the business would be required to downsize due to the lack of work we weren’t t already un-obtaining, and no longer had the necessary facilities to do so.

I was once again unemployed needing to seek employment elsewhere to keep up with the monthly house keeping payments. Which wasn’t actually required as I still had my insurance claim for my hand injury to sustain me, unfortunately not indefinitely. This was for the most part was the main reason why I never actively sort out new employment with any enthusiasm knowing full well I wasn’t going to be made homeless and destitute for the lack of funds.

What I want to be

After many months of searching for new employment I found myself waking up one morning, with a deep yearning to do something more than just wasting away. The very last remnants of any anti-depressant medication that had once flown through my veins had now completely dissipated, the zombiefied state it kept me under was gone and I could now think freely and act accordingly. Any enthusiasm that would have previously sprung up was no longer being quelled, largely as I mentally shielded myself from putting who I was out there as it were. That is of course if you excluding the many years of apathetic drifting through the days, one by one. As quite frankly I wasn’t in the correct state of mind to contemplate this fully, as anyone shouldn’t attempt to decide on their fate when all it leads to is a untimely dark end.

Having contemplated writing before as previously mentioned, but for comics, the level / amount of writing I wish to do now or will be required, was no where near what I had contemplated before. Certainly not to the degree that I would actually be able to actively turn the idea into a reality, or forge the means to do so – hence this website. Stand-up, sitcoms, sketch shows and panel shows would be become the constant through out the darkest of my years and will hopefully become the main theme and backbone of the type of writing I wished to pursue.

Unlike previous attempts to do anything remotely constructive, the red and green squiggles underneath every mistake don’t deter me. Every mistake made and subsequently corrected merely allowed me to enjoy the process even further, as I know that every correction is something I am learning to better a better standard. Every faulty paragraph, sentence or word made right and having the ability to broaden my vocabulary range while correcting the limited one I currently possess comes an enjoyable step towards a brighter career and future. Word processors and their godlike power of auto-correct guiding me has become my new religion and deity. Liberating me to be able to write and express myself while at the same time allowing it all to be legible for others, regardless of whether or not they actually read it.

Looking back on fact that I started writing a diary at the start of my transition has helped me keep track of my thoughts and feelings. Allowing me on occasion to look back to just how far I have come or grown as a person. All may very well have been a major catalyst to which my desire to write has stemmed from. While I’m not sure if this is true and may never do so, I have to believe that it has had some bearing on my current willingness express myself at a level I have found comfort with. My diary being a personal outlet for any and all of my emotions; this website and all subsequent posts, in turn have become an extended version of it albeit slightly more refined and elaborated (but not exaggerated). On top of allowing me the luxury of venting ideas/beliefs and any creativity that would have normally gone unexpressed.

I am writing these blogs/posts as a means to not only test and train my aptitude for my chosen vocation but as a testament of everything I had worked for. At the very least give a better insight for my family and friends to understand who I am and what I am going through better. As I have often found it far more difficult to actually vocalize my feelings directly. With my website now the forum in which I now vent out anything I wish and to rid myself of any thoughts that have plaguing my mind, no longer eating away inside my skull until I was nothing but a blithering drooling mess.

I hope for the most part you will find these enjoyable, or informative. I be no means wish to upset anyone through writing, however I do accept that this may end up being the case. Trying to please everyone all the time is a futile attempt and I hope that everyone knows that any content on this website it will not be posted with any maliciousness pre-thought from myself.

Thanks for reading.

Laura Steel.

Leap of Faith

Lack of faith

I have never really had a religion. I thought for years that I had found something more, something that would explain away everything that had happened to me…but it would ultimately fade away. I understood some of the excuses why; people trying to find comfort where there was only pain, justification for their lives. Finding peace & serenity where chaos would run riot. Grasping the concept of a religion or the idea of believing in a deity, no matter the moral direction of their apparent motives was no longer possible. Good or bad, they for me were never real enough to give a justification to believe that they do existed. Religious texts, people’s word of mouth, or supposed signs of their benevolence or malevolence wasn’t enough.

Blindly believing in something unknown is so daunting, so alien to me. For as long as I can remember I have never yet believed in any religion or deity. It is a scary prospect and one I still to this day don’t understand why people do so. I even envy people who have that capacity to believe in something so strongly, so profoundly, it can define their own existence. Their sole reason for living and how they act towards others. Even going so far as to dedicate their entire lives to their deities, without so much as nothing but their faith as evidence.I am by no means questioning any ones right to believe in what ever they so do choose, everyone has that fundamental right. For me however, I just can’t contemplate living my life dedicating it to something I can’t tangibly sense, or measurable in some scientifically proven way. Something I can’t; see, hear or feel. Any sense that could prove beyond any reasonable doubt that there is a driving force behind everything we do, everything we are and will be.

That Moment of Realization

The day I truly knew who I was, was a depressingly enlightening moment. I had inclining before hand of who I might or could have been, but had never sought out to put the pieces together. The day the missing piece of the jigsaw was slotted into place, revealing the bigger picture of who I am, gave me a profound sense of being – one that it was truly overwhelming. No longer guessing, no longer wondering why I would do something; that to everyone else would have been out of character. To me my life finally made sense, everything clicked together perfectly.

This would ultimately prove to be the tipping point of my status qou, the apathetic lifestyle I had become so accustomed to, would have to come to an end. I could no longer live my life day by day as a lie, hiding who I really was just to fit in or pretend to be something, or someone I’m not. Just because I though it was how I was meant to be or act, how I was meant to live my life by following everyone else’s example. The truth had to be revealed, but there in lied another hurdle.

Fear had taken hold of me and instead of allowing me to walk freely, it would result in me mentally closing off everything around me. I had created a cage to which there was no escape; no locked door, no air vent to crawl out of, save for only a small barred window. Looking out onto a lush green field, covered with a rainbow of flowers and flittering critters. Among them someone running and dancing through the field having fun; that someone who I should have been. It made me nauseously sick to think that person would never be me.

Forever confining me to this prison, fear would never allow me to to tell the people I loved the most who the real me was and attempting to do so would always prove to be a futile endeavour. Walking past them one day after another, trying to force the words out of my mouth, only to freeze at the last minute. I wanted to stop and tell them but that same fear compelled my legs to keep walking even when I was asked what was wrong my lips quivered but was still unable to produce any coherent sound.

I had become too afraid to say any thing and too angry at myself for not being able to. Venting this anger had become increasingly difficult, almost too much to bare. The normal means of escaping were no longer working and the self destruction would follow – intensifying as the days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into years. Transfixing my attention to a screen of digitized pixels had lost it’s hypnotic effect, and in most instances would only work to worsen the feelings inside; images, films, video games, any thing that portrayed that person I wanted to be, someone I could never hope to become would just exacerbate my feelings towards myself.

My Leap of Faith

The day I came out to my parents, wanting to become who I really am; as a woman, was the most petrifying and yet single best day I have yet to experience. The shock they must have felt would turn to sympathy, telling me that everything was ok. I believed them. Having them both explain how I would always be their child, of whom they loved without question, regardless of how I looked on the outside and only caring about who I was on the inside. It was an overwhelming experience, one that had become the foundation to which I would now grow into the person I always wanted to be, who is now the person I am today.

I too was surprised by how accepting they were, all my fears of being rejected were unfounded and as always hindsight would only serve to kick myself over and over for not trusting my parents as I should have. This would become my leap of faith (admittedly only as a last resort), unknowing of the outcome of my actions. Landing safely having being caught by people who have and always will be there for me.

Everything I had come to accept as the inevitable; the depression, the anxiety, the self destruction was gone. Living my life outside of my self styled mentally created prison wasn’t just an idol fantasy was but a reality. For the first time I could now continue as I see fit, living my life as myself is and forever will be my choice. No longer constrained by my own insecurities, all my doubts about who I was had vanished, ever since my parents accepted me for who I am. Something I will always be eternally grateful, I will always live the rest of my days with the knowledge that I may never be able to repay them in an any deserving manner.

Life after Leaping

I wish I could say it has all been easy but that would just be a pointless lie. That everything could be different as simple as flipping a switch; to have retrospectively become the person I’ve felt like all along. Hoping that all the pain and mental torment I had felt or put myself through all those years was just a nightmare. Nothing will give back those lost years, but now I can spend the remainders to the fullest extent instead of just wasting away dwelling on the what ifs that have until now hindered me to an almost disastrous end.

Eternally grateful that I have my family and friends to thank for all the kindness and love they have shown me, ever since revealing the biggest secret I have ever had to own. From the simplest comment to the warmest hug ,it has all helped me get to the point in my life that has allowed me to live my life the way I choose. Even the regret of not saying so sooner has been turned into a positive, retroactively looking back I know that the path I now traverse, is the one I was always meant to walk, one that is now free any diversion, at least from myself. There are still many hurdles in my way as with any decision, they will now be faced with optimism and hope, regardless of the unknowns yet to come.

Now that I am now into the second official year of my transition and am awaiting my surgical appointment that will finally cement everything together, I feel safe in the knowledge that I have an array of family and friends that support me through out.

Thank you everyone who has been apart of my life in any positive fashion.


Laura Steel. ©2014

Descrimination and Abuse

Like one too many people on this planet, I have had the unfortunate luxury of being bullied. Across the vastness of human history people have been picked on, abused even killed because they were different. Were they evil? Did they commit heinous acts of violence, have reprehensibly depraved behavior, or commit deeds so morally despicable you wouldn’t have thought it possible?

The short answer is no. They have been bullied for the simple uncontrollable fact; they were different…

Because they had been born with a different set of parameters from the rest of society such as: Having a physical abnormality, suffering from a mentally impairing condition, having a difference in their sexually or they were born with a different set of reproductive organs. Even because they had a different religion (which has been the ultimate cause of many of these misguided acts.), having a difference in belief isn’t a good enough reason.

Reasons that can seem so insignificant, yet are blown out of proportion and treated like a wart that needs to be lanced off, a contagious disease that needs isolating for fear of infecting millions with out so much as a thought for the individual. Individual who has done nothing wrong except being born in the wrong place, in the wrong time, and with the slightness of differences that were out of their control.

First hand experience

I remember back to when I was 6 years old when it first happened, the first time I would be bullied. The reason for my early torment wasn’t because of any of the aforementioned reasons. I wasn’t, from the generalization of everyone of my class, different in anyway. Apart from of my height.

For years I was the shortest in the class, the runt of the playground pack. I often look back and think why did I let this happen? Blaming myself for being so weak in the first place. Height in comparison to most of the reasons for discrimination is so trivial it’s almost funny, although at that age it feels less important of the reason but the general fact of you are being singled out. Feeling isolated, like your family may not believe you or care what your going through (in hind sight they did, when I had told them), that can be a lot to take in at that age and probably still affects me to this day. Pangs of paranoia creep into the back of my mind when I am around people of whom I don’t know, nor have never seen before.

The bulling would start to decline in my later years of my school career. When after a few physical altercations the physically felt pain I felt became dull, it wasn’t as crippling as I had first experienced. From the odd playfully caused dead leg to the intense punch in the spine, none of it would stop unless I made it. In my late teens I started to stand up for myself, I felt a shift in the attitude towards me. The look on the faces of my oppressors wasn’t just funny but pathetically funny. I actually laughed in one persons face as he grabbed my throat and pushed me against a wall as I attempted to walk into the class room.

Mouthing words I couldn’t make out, over the noise emanating from my own head. The angrier he got, the louder I laughed. This wasn’t a nervous laughter, something you do when confronted with a bad situation that someone else is experiencing.

It was the same laughter you get from a well constructed joke, from a professional comedian. You were meant to laugh at because it was genuinely funny, the deep belly laugh that has you in tears from the semi pain of strained stomach muscles. Something to which I have become addicted too ever since…laughing I mean, not being bullied.

Their power over me was finally lost. I wish I could have known what they were thinking, to be confronted by my manic hysterics. The on looker, a friend of the brute grasping me was wearing a bemused face which only added to the hilarity. I have since then felt that this is my general attitude when I’m picked on. A natural defense to a predator stalking it’s prey, you won’t see that on the discovery channel however. I will admit giving your location away is a big no-no, in self perseverance, I may have been a hyena in a different life.

Living with out fear

Now that I am on my second journey of my life time, having now come out as both a trans-woman and bisexual ,I now face self given reason for others to pick on me for being different. I have proverbially given ammunition to the gun wielding manics to free fire at my direction. Am I scared…no. I have learnt to not live in fear, not let my anxieties and insecurities to get the best of me.

How? I’m not sure, I wish I could tell everyone how, it would make it so much easier for others as it has been for me. Either it’s because of my previous experience of being bullied or because I am lucky to be in a country more accepting of others because of their sexuality and transgenderism. I may never know. All I know is I am living my life the way I chose and have not only the law on my side with regards to discrimination but the mass of friends and family I now have for support, an array of human shields to deflect and absorb the bullets of abuse from others…I don’t actually seen them this way, it’s just a metaphor. If your family can’t be used, use children…joking. There’s always someone out there that will gladly help those in need, with out second motives or hidden agendas. People who will always treat you as a person first.

At any rate the best thing I learnt was to stand up for my self given the situation. Not allow others to bully you, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. No one deserves to be abused, in any shape or form. We are all equally different and that is what makes us special. It’s arguable what makes us as a species stronger, but not everyone will see it that way.

If you find yourself being abused please seek help. There are others who can both empathize and sympathize to what you are going through. There are hordes of self help guides and means to contact someone to help you stop the abuse.

If you suspect someone of being bullied don’t ignore it!

Stay safe!


Laura Steel © 2014


Looking for more information on the subject then check out these links:

https://www.gov.uk/equality-act-2010-guidance – The official UK governments website.

http://www.bullying.co.uk/ – Doesn’t just have information on bullying but on a wide range of topics.

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-Workplace-Bullying-and-Harassment – A step by step guide to dealing with bullying in the workplace.

NHS websites dedicated to bullying in the workplace and in schools respectively.

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/workplacehealth/Pages/bullyingatwork.aspx

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Bullying/Pages/Antibullyinghelp.aspx

Learning: Past, Present, Future

Learning as a means to an end has been the corner stone of every great civilization that’s existed to day. Years ago as a child going to school was a painful experience, literally in some cases. Now as an adult I have had the luxury of extra learning courses at my local college as part of a vague attempt at becoming employable for jobs I have no interest it. As with all people of any age, gender, ethnicity, sexuality, finance. It’s the fundamental right of anyone who has the desire to improve their knowledge on any subject they so choose.

The Past

As with most children I was dragged to school (metaphorically of course), and under protest some days if I recall. The long arduous hours of sitting on a stiffly cheap plastic chair behind a MDF topped metal legged table, which always seemed to be the best hiding place for other people’s unwanted gum and/or nose pickings. Tempting the laws of gravity as you rocked back and forth on the two flimsy legs that look like hey could buckle under weight of the precariously sat student, broken up by the sudden shocks of horror as the “friend” behind you pulls on the chair.

There were good moments of course, from the ones I can remember atleast. From a then friend (who was clearly suffering from an undiagnosed case of A.D.D), ridding on the fact that we were laughing when we meant to be working. All the while under the watchful gaze of the clearly fed up teacher, mentally taking notes on our poor performance. Only to get his own back on parents evening by reporting our behavior to our parents, evident by the report card filled with his cursive writing barely legible by anyone other than himself. He undoubted realized they would punish us more than he had the legal power to.

The monotony of school time would rarely be broken up with the occasional trip to the museum or exhibit, featuring the most expensive displays available to everyone without the need to spend exorbitant amounts of money to see them first hand. Even to a camping trip which included a hike that; would end up with me nearly losing my bowls in a field of grain stalks, as a rampant hare tore through it running towards me at blinding speed. The stiff brittle grain stalks flattening under paw leading a narrow trail towards me, nearly passing by like a lone comet about to smash into the Earth only to be deflected seconds before impact.

To the small band of friends to whom I am still on a digital list of faces and names with to this day. Even though we may no longer congregate due to; finding other interests, moving, different priorities. Social media has still kept that chain alive, so that maybe one day we all gather for one last reminisce of the “good old days” before fading away into retirement , too desiccated too fearful to move that we’d crumble to dust.

These would be the good moments the ones I cherish. The bad memories would be the salt in the wound of the whole experience. Being bullied was the cornerstone of these moments but I’ll get into that another time.

The Present

Now after 10 years of being a recluse I have sought out education as a means to an end. Pursuing a career in writing:[enter sub type here]…(I have yet to decide), rather than something I must endure for the first 16 years of my life. College/University and learning as a general rule has become what feels like a new addiction and just because I want to and not because I have to.

Filling my head with the professionally craft words of a lecturer or staring at laser printed sheets of A4. It’s certainly much more safer than inhaling toxins flooding my veins, killing me slowly as a means to distract me from depressive state.

There’s a reason we make learning a legal requirement of parents, raising children in ignorance is morally and ethically wrong.

Having such a large array of courses to choose from is a little over whelming. Finding something to cater to my thirst, improving my knowledge base so I can kill any remaining ignorance left in my head. Stomping on it like a weed and pulling up the roots to never grow again is an ever .

This had only been re-enforced due to a chance meeting with a fellow trans-woman who has branched out my social life, one I was sorely in need of. If there are shining examples of coincidence this was one of them. Not only that but meeting several people who are writers themselves this has to be fate.

The Future

So now I await for the next stage in my continued quest for knowledge, attempt to unlock the potential life has to offer me. September 2014 is going to be the starting phase of what should hopefully be 4 years of hard work, hopefully my brain won’t dissolve into a grey puddle of mush draining through my nose and ears. With any luck be a fun filled adventure of new places, people and opportunities. No more of my years will be wasted doing nothing like; blankly starting at a screen, being ruled by apathy and depression. Depression that has all but diminished, with the small slivers left slowly eroding away with the new found social life I have been blessed to be apart of.

To many and myself, being able to learn is one of our greatest tools we could ever hope to posses, it is after the main reason we have become one of the most dominant species on the planet. Even if it has irreparably damaged the planet, caused the death of millions, caused untold horrors of destruction…oh dear bad examples! Forget that last part. Regardless of the negative impact learning can have it’s a massive leap away from ignorance of not wanting to know, not wanting to open our minds to new ideas because what we may know may inevitably come back around and hurt us. That’s why we use history to learn from our mistakes, even make them in an attempt to distinguish the different between fact and fiction and fantasy.

Life is about living, learning and loving. Ignorance is not bliss. Knowledge is.

Until then keep studying. I know I will be.

Laura Steel.

The definition of Digiscriptura and a bit about me.

Why Digiscriptura?

In the many hours of trying to come up with a somewhat witty site name address for my blogs (which seemed like such a minor feat at the time of creation), I almost fried my brain. Ironic as it took me next to no time coming up with my own name, some thing that has defined me so profoundly as to change the course of my life.

Coming up with my site’s address name was a truly cruel experience, one I know all to well will be a constant in my pursuit of a career in writing. We all have roadblocks, even if they aren’t life changing they still affect us all the same. This was next to nothing however, compared to some that I have jumped over to get where I am today so there’s at least a silver lining.

This is including the use of the many tools and sites available online for coming up with names I could use, names that would with any luck make my blogs and other writings stand out…all ultimately failing of course. Not that they won’t for anyone else, just me in this particular instance.

What does it mean? It may mean nothing to no one, something to someone or every thing to every one. Doubt it.

Anyhoo…pretentiousness out the way. [disinterested smiley here]

Trying to be more creative, I found myself turning to Latin. Now I don’t speak Latin. The only phrase I know in Latin is “carpe diem” and who doesn’t know that? I just about passed English and it’s my native language, that’s not something I like admitting but extenuating circumstances affecting my school life were to come into play and often without my realizing.

This concluded with me only receiving a C grade in English GCSE (and that was only after I attempted it twice), so I hope you know the level I’m working from. It still provided a platform on which I came up my title, just because I didn’t wan’t something bland but something that makes sense. It atleast does to me and that’s all I care about.

Here it is broken down…(this is according to Wiktionary’s accuracy) The links are to the pages in question in case your interested.

Prefix: digi-

digital
digit

Noun: scrīptūra

a writing, something written
a composition (act of writing)
a passage of scripture

I actually done a little dance the second it popped onto my screen. Over eight hours of blanking at the screen was finally over…and yes I actually spent eight hours trying to think of the name, the brain cells were clearly on a holiday suffering with jet lag, drunk on an exotic drink by the pool.

I am aware also that I have dropped the accented letters because it would have quite frankly been a hassle constantly typing it out, also have you noticed it rhymes with Laura thats an awesome coincidence. So to me it’s the perfect word for what these vague attempts at writing are all about. What I am all about. Specially as I try to forge a career into a world I know very little about but have every desire to experience to it’s fullest extent possible.

The bit about me.

With all that out the way, I hope that over time I can come up with something that will at the very least get rid of this nagging urge to do something with my life. One that only sprang up earlier this year as I continued to update my personal diary. Something that I at first dismissed as a tool that wouldn’t work venting my thoughts and feelings as a childish pass time.

It was to become one of the single best things I had started doing and still do to this day. My heart would sink the day six months ago I thought it lost (as it only existed digitally at this point), when it was obliterated from my computer when it had become infected with a virus. Causing me to morn it’s loss like a dead pet, or celebrity you have a trace amount of fondness for. The grieving was short live when I found the last remaining copy hiding on a flash drive. Tucked away like a hidden gem shining hope back towards me in it’s pixelated form on my screen, amid the other files of unknown origin and function.

So there it is, hopefully in time I can pick up the pace and flood this site with posts of various writings and the like. Hopefully they will be better written as my journey for a career continues, we shall see.

I feel the need to put a shout out to Wiktionary.org and Thesaurus.com. Both have become my favorite tools for pursuing my little hobby/potential career, both of which will more than likely be life long companions on my journey as a writer…assuming they are maintained for the duration of my life and/or career…which ever dies first. So epic kudos to their creators and benefactors. You have my sincere thanks.

Until then.


Laura Steel ©2014