Burn Out

So it’s been 10 months since I have written anything. My last piece of writing was my last assignment for my Creative Writing course at university and it has been a total of 19 months since I’ve uploaded to this blog, back in 2017. I only say this because over that time I had become increasingly despondent to the idea of being creative. I wish I could say it was because I was off doing crazy things that took me away from it. But in truth I can’t. I wasn’t having a adventure somewhere with no internet access (like that’s even a thing nowadays). No, I was sat in my bedroom for that entire length of time wasting away playing video games, baring some unique events like a friend’s wedding or birthday.

The idea of writing quite honestly sickened me. Spending time, maybe just a hour to two out of one of those days, to type down my thoughts, not even checking spelling or grammar, bored me. Spending four years of my life earning my 2:1 Creative Writing degree should have given me some sense of accomplishment, given me the energy and motivation to continue writing, but to be frank I was only left with overwhelming sense of apathy and anhedonia. Imagine that, four years of my life, thousands of pound in debt, only to feel a colossal “meh, whatever” at the end of it all. I had suffered burn out. The fact that couldn’t even bring myself to attend my graduation is further evidence of of my feelings at the time, despite any other bullshit reason I gave as an excuse. It felt like attending the ceremony would cement the decision taken all those years ago and I just couldn’t though with it.

And I’m not gonna lie, when I saw this memory pop on Facebook today I was partially filled with regret. A regret that has been increasingly persistent over the past couple of years. When I was first deciding what degree to take Drama popped into my head because I already had this burning desire to pursue a career in acting/comedy. But at the time my anxiety was overwhelming I thought I couldn’t do it. So I settled for the next best thing I could think of; Creative Writing. I still have the ambition to write but it’s not nearly as strong. So if I couldn’t perform then I could at least learn to write better and tell the kind of stories I wanted to.
 
Joining the Comedy Society at University gave me the opportunity to perform on stage and it was so addictive. It was so liberating being on stage because, in those brief moments, my anxiety/depression disappeared. However, over the past 9 months since graduation my depression worsened. I was self-destructing though self-harming and taking drugs. I have thankfully recently sought medical help and I am back on anti-depressants. Since then my desire to perform has returned and now at the end if the month I start a paid 10 week course in Swindon for improv/acting.
 
I guess the main reason I’m sharing this is because I’m so grateful to everyone I met over the past 5 years who gave me the confidence to be myself and learn to go for the things that I whole heartily believe will make me happy. I don’t know or even care how far I will go but this is something I have to do. My depression and anxiety have crippled me in the past, but I refuse to let them get the better of me any more. Now that I have this intensity within me, it feels like my nerves are on fire, and I’m not going to waste the rest of my life being afraid of taking risks.

 

Author: Laura Steel

I am the 33 year old trans-woman in current possession of this website used to promote my chosen vocation of writing, as well as being a blog for general rants and ideas. I am also an amateur improviser, sketch actor and stand-up comedian.

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